August 14, 2011
August 7, 2011
July 28, 2011
July 25, 2011
I lay, my head swimming, but sleep doesn't come. My back aches, but my toes aren't tingling.. That, at least is a good sign. I'm on the couch, partly. My legs hang over from the knees' down but the fan at my feet should make-up for that.
Too many things in my head running around. I am tired. But everything still moves when I close my eyes. Worries. Ideas. Dreams.
They have been quite vivid lately. With a common element..
I'll try again now... Hopefully good night....
Repentant Sinner
You know those days where you can't shake the 'dream' feeling? I know that mine was influenced by shitty sleep and an unusual wake up call from my lover asking for me to come claim them from the mall as they had just been released from jail...that's another story though.
I spent the morning in a dissociative mood, people around me have *imo* been in very strange moods that I can't get a grasp on. I feel very claustrophobic being around them, at the risk of sounding paranoid, I just feel like they are watching me too closely. They're making me uncomfortable in my own skin. Which sucks, since I'm hardly ever comfortable in it anyway.
Anyway, after a brief yelling match I ended up washing dishes in the kitchen for like half an hour. In the beginning I was angrily crying to myself. To prove my point with myself that my brother cares nothing about me anymore; came into the kitchen dished up and ignored me completely.
I might be tired of being the outcast in my family, but I'm not changing for them. I'm caring less and less about them each day as they prove to me that I shouldn't with their actions toward me.
I feel alone. I desperately want to go back to school now that I know what I want, I just don't think that its possible with the lack of compassion here.
My horoscope yelled at me today to be more open with people and tell them how I feel. But I can't. Even if I wanted to. I know what I feel but I can't talk about it. Physically Cannot talk about it. Thats just the way its always been.
Ugh, enough of this pitty-party.
Goodnight, Moon
I spent the morning in a dissociative mood, people around me have *imo* been in very strange moods that I can't get a grasp on. I feel very claustrophobic being around them, at the risk of sounding paranoid, I just feel like they are watching me too closely. They're making me uncomfortable in my own skin. Which sucks, since I'm hardly ever comfortable in it anyway.
Anyway, after a brief yelling match I ended up washing dishes in the kitchen for like half an hour. In the beginning I was angrily crying to myself. To prove my point with myself that my brother cares nothing about me anymore; came into the kitchen dished up and ignored me completely.
I might be tired of being the outcast in my family, but I'm not changing for them. I'm caring less and less about them each day as they prove to me that I shouldn't with their actions toward me.
I feel alone. I desperately want to go back to school now that I know what I want, I just don't think that its possible with the lack of compassion here.
My horoscope yelled at me today to be more open with people and tell them how I feel. But I can't. Even if I wanted to. I know what I feel but I can't talk about it. Physically Cannot talk about it. Thats just the way its always been.
Ugh, enough of this pitty-party.
Goodnight, Moon
July 23, 2011
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